OrlandoNewYC: Jessie, howís it going?

Auto response from BuffyAngelFan04:::

When i reach to hold you...
I'll still be alone
When i hear the ringing...
of the telephone
I think it is you...
It will not be true

I could play the message
that you left for me
I can hear your voice and
i could still believe
That you will soon be home...
but you will never come

I know why the river runs to a place somewhere far away
I know why the sky is crying when there aren't any words to say

There's a silence that I don't want to hear
There's a hole now where my heart used to be
They say that healing comes in time
but I don't know what that means

I'll lie here for so long, but you will never come...

I Know Why The River Runs
Lee Ann Womack

BuffyAngelFan04 returned at 1:54:40 PM.

BuffyAngelFan04::: hey orli, whatís up?

OrlandoNewYC: nothing much

OrlandoNewYC::: what happened yesterday, you didnít come on? Lol

BuffyAngelFan04::: sorry about that

OrlandoNewYC: Its ok, it wasnít definite;-)

OrlandoNewYC::: what were you up to?

OrlandoNewYC::: Jess?

BuffyAngelFan04::: I didnít get out of bed

OrlandoNewYC: at all? The whole day?

BuffyAngelFan04::: yea

BuffyAngelFan04: I've never done that before

OrlandoNewYC: how come?

BuffyAngelFan04::: I spent it listening to a CD

OrlandoNewYC: Which?

BuffyAngelFan04::: Jim Brickman Ė the valentine cd

BuffyAngelFan04: Jeff bought it for me a long time ago

OrlandoNewYC: 24 hours you just lay in bed listening to the same cd?

BuffyAngelFan04::: I didnt really have anything to do, and I didnt feel like facing the day I guess

OrlandoNewYC: whats it sound like?

BuffyAngelFan04::: lots of piano, its a great cd

BuffyAngelFan04: I sent you the songs

OrlandoNewYC: ?

BuffyAngelFan04::: i sent em

OrlandoNewYC: you can do that?

BuffyAngelFan04::: my server compresses sound files

OrlandoNewYC: where would the files be?

BuffyAngelFan04::: check my documents

OrlandoNewYC: holy shit! The whole album is there

OrlandoNewYC::: how the hell did you do that

BuffyAngelFan04::: this connection is like nothing i've used before

OrlandoNewYC: so cool!

BuffyAngelFan04::: so what are you up today?

OrlandoNewYC: I am going to see a movie with some friends

BuffyAngelFan04::: what movie?

OrlandoNewYC: Maybe farenheight 911

BuffyAngelFan04::: I want to see that movie

BuffyAngelFan04: Its only playing in select theaters here, and I think olga, kevin and all them are going in a few days. might go with them

OrlandoNewYC: i heard it was so good

BuffyAngelFan04::: ive heard good things about it too

OrlandoNewYC: question

OrlandoNewYC::: Do they know, about Jeff, and your dad? Your friends in Austria?

OrlandoNewYC::: Like cameron and sheri and them?

BuffyAngelFan04::: no

OrlandoNewYC: how come?

BuffyAngelFan04::: I guess I am just trying not to think about a life that I have lost. Its hard to talk about it to people I dont know.  

OrlandoNewYC: start fresh?

BuffyAngelFan04::: i dont know

OrlandoNewYC: what are you afraid of?

BuffyAngelFan04::: I am afraid if I let him go, if I am well again, it'd be like I stopped loving him

BuffyAngelFan04: i dont konw

BuffyAngelFan04: I dont know what I should do right now

OrlandoNewYC: jessie even if you are doing well, you never stop loving the poeple that died. Never ever ever. And the best way to remember them is by doing great things. You live their memory by creating things they would be doing if they were still alive.

OrlandoNewYC::: that's a quote from teresa heinz kerry

BuffyAngelFan04::: i love teresa

BuffyAngelFan04: im trying my best

OrlandoNewYC: yea

OrlandoNewYC::: I know you are. I cant imagine it ever being easy

BuffyAngelFan04::: how can I create the things he would be doing? I dont know how he wanted it. I dont know anything anymore

BuffyAngelFan04: its so hard. sometimes Ill be by myself walking down the stairs, and my eyes will just water at the thought of him. and then I cant hold it in, and i cry for hours

BuffyAngelFan04: I mean, one minute he was here kissing me, the next he was out in iraq. Then he was back here holding me, and then he was back in iraq. And now he is gone forever

BuffyAngelFan04: have you seen caro around?

OrlandoNewYC: yea, I talked to her a few days ago

BuffyAngelFan04::: how's she doing?

OrlandoNewYC: she's dealing. a bit worried about you, which is normal

BuffyAngelFan04::: Do you know if she is coming on?

BuffyAngelFan04: i kinda just wanted to talk to her

OrlandoNewYC:::: sorry im not sure when she will come on

BuffyAngelFan04: she's keeping something from me

OrlandoNewYC: what do you mean? Keeping what?

BuffyAngelFan04: Im not sure 

BuffyAngelFan04: i feel like she is holding back, when I talk to her

BuffyAngelFan04: do you have her phone number by any chance?

OrlandoNewYC: no, im sorry I dont know it

BuffyAngelFan04::: k

BuffyAngelFan04: Ive kinda been in my own world recently, and sometimes I forget to ask.

OrlandoNewYC: I think she is doing ok, she has her friends and family to be strong for her
OrlandoNewYC: Jess, tell me four (your number) things that you are feeling right now
BuffyAngelFan04: And I know that she is trying to be strong for me, and I wish I could say the same for myself
BuffyAngelFan04: I really wish I could be online as much as I used to

BuffyAngelFan04: anger, sadness, helpless, regret

OrlandoNewYC: Ok, why are you angry?

BuffyAngelFan04::: Because Bush is a liar. And because he tricked us, the only person I have ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with is gone forever

OrlandoNewYC: I know that this is the last thing you want to hear, but you have to believe that what happened happened for good reason.

BuffyAngelFan04::: What reason? Did he not deserve to be alive? Or was I not deserving enough of him?

BuffyAngelFan04: which one?

OrlandoNewYC: God No Jessie. Neither of those

OrlandoNewYC::: Don't ever think like that

OrlandoNewYC::: bush can't be the only person you are angry at, is it?

BuffyAngelFan04::: Jeff had no right to go and do this to me. No right. He didn't even ask me what I thought about it, like my opinion didn't matter any

BuffyAngelFan04: Its like he thought I wasn't doing anything to help the relationship.

BuffyAngelFan04: Like I was just standing by, watching us slip apart, so he had to do something like this

OrlandoNewYC: He didn't think that jessie. he loved you, and he would do anything to be with you

BuffyAngelFan04::: He is now longer living orli! Our love wasn't worth him going and getting killed.

BuffyAngelFan04: Nothing is this life could ever be worth what happened to him.

OrlandoNewYC: In Jeff's heart, I am sure that he thought it through

BuffyAngelFan04::: so he weighed the ups and downs and felt it was better to go out to war than to stay here and be with me?

OrlandoNewYC: you know that isnt true

BuffyAngelFan04::: What? That he didn't want to be with me?

OrlandoNewYC: I dont even need to reply to that Jessie, you know that

BuffyAngelFan04::: Who thinks war will get you closer to you gf? War kills people, that is what it does. Is this what he wanted?!
BuffyAngelFan04::: was death better then being with me?

OrlandoNewYC: Jess, I konw you are angry, and I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. But you are telling me things that I know deep down in your heart you know are not true. I konw that it feels like that on the outside, and that its what it looks like. But look deeper Jessie. I know that you know jeff tried for you

BuffyAngelFan04::: It just doesnt feel like it orli. I feel like he didnt think about me.

OrlandoNewYC: dont

BuffyAngelFan04::: How could I not? He didnt even see fit to tell me about it

OrlandoNewYC: I dont even know the whole story, but from what I understand he had his reasons. and they were good

BuffyAngelFan04::: so good that I didnt deserve to know them? That I didnt deserve any say in whether this was ok?

OrlandoNewYC: just because he didnt tell you - does that mean he missed you any less when he was there?

BuffyAngelFan04::: When he came back and he kissed me, i knew that he missed me

OrlandoNewYC: and I am sure he did

BuffyAngelFan04::: In a letter, he wrote "nothing in this life is worth fighting so much for, except you. I will never stop fighting. To me, you were the center for which I built my dreams for the future. There is no future for me, if you are not in it. Please believe we would have been so happy together."

BuffyAngelFan04: I feel like it was his justification for going. That I dont matter. Like he thought that I could live without him. But I cant see a future for me if he isn't in it either. It's almost as if I wasn't important enough to consider

OrlandoNewYC: he did consider you jessie. The circumstance, the reward would have been worth the risk for him

BuffyAngelFan04::: is it worth it now?

OrlandoNewYC: I cant answer that jess

OrlandoNewYC::: What he has given up for our country can not be counted. And it will not be forgotten

BuffyAngelFan04::: What he has given up for his country is not worth anything in the world. NOTHING

BuffyAngelFan04: What any soldier currently in iraq has to go through is not worth it. We arent even there for the right reasons, and we didnt even use the proper methods of fighting a war. We were unprepared, and we pushed other countries away. Other countries that were supposed to be helping Jeff out there! He was out there alone because Bush and his administration rushed into the war, for their own personal gain!

BuffyAngelFan04: I cant even start with Bush right now, it makes me so mad that they would send Jeff to fight a perconal war for bush. For a person who doesnt even care about making sure he is fighting for the right reasons. Or that he is given the proper equipment to protect himself!

BuffyAngelFan04: he purposely IGNORED generals when they told him how many troops and what kind of equipment was needed. He lowered the safety of the troops, and that is unforgivable!

OrlandoNewYC: Bush is an asswipe. This was all about money and power.

BuffyAngelFan04::: There isn't enough money in the world that could ever make this worthwhile.

OrlandoNewYC: I konw that. 

OrlandoNewYC: His memory is in your heart, in the heart of every american

BuffyAngelFan04::: Orli, I dont want to have only the memory of a war hero in my heart for the rest of my life. Jeff was already my hero, he was my savior, the one person I could trust completely with my heart. medals and recognition will not replace him. Nothing in the world will ever be able to replace him.

OrlandoNewYC: His memory is still with you, and will guide you. nobody is trying to replace him

BuffyAngelFan04::: I dont want jeff to be just a memory. He should have been the person that I take my life's journey with, not a memory to guide me on that journey
BuffyAngelFan04::: I can't replace the way he made me feel 

OrlandoNewYC: believe me, I knwo you cant jess

BuffyAngelFan04: I needed him more than this country needed him, more than iraq ever needed him. I needed him here with me, to spend the rest of my life with. Why didn't he see that?

BuffyAngelFan04: I dont care if that is selfish. I dont care how many insurgents he's held back, how many times he patrolled unsafe boarders. He is 18, and it shouldn't be his job to try and protect people who hate him. Who hate the US troops

OrlandoNewYC: i agree, he has seen too much too soon

BuffyAngelFan04::: he shouldnt have to worry about people shooting him just because he has an american flag on his uniform! They didnt even know jeff. They didnt know that he was dreamer and he always reached as high as he could to help anyone feel better. They didn't care that he was determined. They didnt care that he is the only one that could ever get his little brother to do his homework or that he was loved, and loved, so many people. They just shot him. They shot him because he was trying to protect and help a family that he didnt even know. Even when they didnt even appreciate him he still helped them

OrlandoNewYC: is that what happened?

BuffyAngelFan04::: is this where his good will and desire to help people should lead him? Is that really what bush envisioned for a "better America"? Is that what I should remember him for?

BuffyAngelFan04: He shuold have been worrying about grades, not whether he will live to see the next day

OrlandoNewYC: to every extent you are right jess

BuffyAngelFan04::: After he tells me "we would have been so happy together", I feel like he is rubbing it in.

OrlandoNewYC: he is just saying that because he wants you to know that that is what he wanted. That he did think of you. So how come you can't see it?

BuffyAngelFan04::: It's so bad, that I can't even let him go in peace, I am that horrible

OrlandoNewYC: What did he say to you the last time he left?

BuffyAngelFan04::: back to iraq?

OrlandoNewYC: yea

BuffyAngelFan04::: I asked him what happened during the war and he just said "I lost myself. But it's ok now." I don't even want to think about what that really means

BuffyAngelFan04: the last letter I got from him, he was so unsure of himself. I could feel him in that letter. I could just feel that he was afraid. I just sat there reading it and crying, I mustr have cried all day. The way he wrote is his letters made me sick to my stomach. And i konw he didnt mean to, he was just being honest. And that is what I wanted from him

OrlandoNewYC: how did he sound?

BuffyAngelFan04::: he kept apologizing

OrlandoNewYC: about what?

BuffyAngelFan04::: like "Jessie, I really didn't mean to add another worry for your first year in college. And I certainly didn't mean to do this to you - to make you feel like this.

BuffyAngelFan04: but he did, and this is where it's all gotten us. I can't understand. I can't process any of this correctly

OrlandoNewYC: how was he physically when he came back? Like any major injuries?
BuffyAngelFan04: I would rather not talk about that, i hate to think back on that

OrlandoNewYC: I understand, I dont want to push

OrlandoNewYC: but he doesnt think he upset you?

BuffyAngelFan04::: "I hope you can forgive me some day. Everything I could have given you, that we could have had together..it's the only thing I could see."

BuffyAngelFan04: again..he didnt say any of this to me before he joined. He didnt even care that I would object. he just went on and did it

OrlandoNewYC: i see

OrlandoNewYC::: So you don't forgive him?

BuffyAngelFan04::: If Jeff were alive today, could he look me in the eye and tell me that he is happier? That he has no regret in his heart for what happened to him? HIm dying for his country, and leaving all his friends and family?

OrlandoNewYC: I dont konw jess

OrlandoNewYC::: I would guess not

OrlandoNewYC::: you have to forgive him to lay his memory to rest jess. He did it for a good reason

BuffyAngelFan04::: If he could show me that he is happy with what happened, he is satisfied, then I would gladly step down and forgive him. but he can't do that for me. And I can't let go

OrlandoNewYC: You will find it in you heart to forgive him, and he will be in peace

BuffyAngelFan04::: we've joked about this before

OrlandoNewYC: joked about what?

BuffyAngelFan04::: he always said that " if something ever happened to me, I would watch over you jess, even after I am gone. I wont rush to heaven. I would pass it up, if I could stay beside you forver"

OrlandoNewYC: even more reason jess

BuffyAngelFan04::: I know

BuffyAngelFan04: i am trying so hard to forgive him

BuffyAngelFan04: i am trying so hard. you have no idea

BuffyAngelFan04: but I cant even say those words out loud

BuffyAngelFan04: I need him to tell me that it was worth it

BuffyAngelFan04:I need him to tell me that he cared about me, that he wanted to be with me in the future. I need to hear that so badly

OrlandoNewYC: you will soon

OrlandoNewYC::: were all your letters like that?

BuffyAngelFan04::: in the beginning, they are positive letters, he would tell me about the fun things he got to do like, in training, he got to sky dive. they taught him firefighting, ship diving

BuffyAngelFan04: but that excitement somehow went away

BuffyAngelFan04: he wanted so much in his life, he wanted to do so much

BuffyAngelFan04: It isnt fair

OrlandoNewYC: I know that he had great dreams

OrlandoNewYC::: and you cant honestly say that you werent in them

BuffyAngelFan04::: Its not just that

BuffyAngelFan04: he promised me he would be back, he looked me straight in the eye and said I WILL BE BACK. Please wait for me

BuffyAngelFan04: so where is he?

BuffyAngelFan04: this isnt fair to me

OrlandoNewYC: Fairness does not govern life,or death. If it did, no good person would ever die young

BuffyAngelFan04:::: Jeff wasnt being fair to me either!

BuffyAngelFan04: are you going to be on in a little?

OrlandoNewYC: yea

OrlandoNewYC::: ok
BuffyAngelFan04 is away at 2:09:52 PM.

OrlandoNewYC::: jess, I am going to be back in a little ok? Just going to go get some food

Auto response from BuffyAngelFan04::: Caro - i emailed you, please check it

If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one thing
I would tell it to the stars and the sun
I would write it for the world to see

And it's you
The light changes when you're in the room
Oh it's you oh it's you

If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one wish
To kiss your quiet mouth
And trace the steps with my fingertips

And it's you
The light changes when you're in the room
Oh it's you oh it's you, oh it's you

It's You
by Michelle Branch

BuffyAngelFan04 returned at 2:50:49 PM.

OrlandoNewYC::: k sorry

BuffyAngelFan04::: its ok

OrlandoNewYC: Ok, so why are you sad? i know this is an obvious question, but if you say it in words, it might help you

BuffyAngelFan04::: It was so painful to see the look on jeff's face, when he told me he had to leave again. I desperately searched his face for some indication that he was joking. But I didn't find one. I didn't see his lip curl or his eyes glow. What I found was a face of deep regret, sorrow, and then something that scared me the most.

BuffyAngelFan04: fear

BuffyAngelFan04: It wasn't like the fear of missing the bus and being late. It was the fear that you won't make it. That you will lose everything that was ever important to you. I've never seen it like this on his face. 

BuffyAngelFan04: he was trying to hide it, but I could sense it in his voice, and the way he held me. I know it sounds crazy, that I would be able to see something like that. But that is what I saw on jeff's face when he left for the last time, and that is what I will always remember his face to look like at the last time I ever saw him. It was so painful to see that on his face. When he closed the door, i cried for 4 hours

OrlandoNewYC: its not crazy, I believe you could have sensed it

BuffyAngelFan04::: ive never felt this hopeless. He's not coming back from this and there is nothing I can do. I can't hope he will be back, like I could have when he was in iraq.

OrlandoNewYC: it wasnt your job to do something about it

OrlandoNewYC::: Saying goodbye?

BuffyAngelFan04::: I thought the worst kind of goodbye was having to say goodbye to someone when you know they are going into danger, and you may not see them again. But its not. Because you can still hope and pray that they will be back

BuffyAngelFan04: The worst kind of goodbye is having goodbye to them for forever. They are gone and you know they aren't coming back. When you have to say goodbye to someone after they are gone from this world. Its like you have to say goodbye to a memory, not a person. I have to let go of something I need for the rest of my life, something that means so much to me. To know that I will never be able to have it again in my life is something I cant bring myself to do yet.

OrlandoNewYC: You dont lose his memory when you say goodbye, jessie. Please dont think that

BuffyAngelFan04::: Everytime weíve had to say goodbye, jeff took a piece of my heart with him wherever he was going. He still has those pieces, and I can never get them back

BuffyAngelFan04: Nothing will ever make this ok

OrlandoNewYC: you might not see it now, and I wont try to convince you, but soon it will be ok. I know it

BuffyAngelFan04::: I'm supposed to say goodbye to jeff, and to accept the situation

OrlandoNewYC: have you said your final goodbyes to him?

BuffyAngelFan04::: I can't orli

BuffyAngelFan04: its like the whole world is waiting for me to say goodbye. To come out from where I am hiding alone. To go back to DC and face everything. And if I don't, he will never find peace. But I can't
BuffyAngelFan04: how do you want me to let go of him?
BuffyAngelFan04: how do you want me to say goodbye when I cant?

OrlandoNewYC: you dont have to let go of him. You just have to put him somewhere safe

BuffyAngelFan04::: I cant even look at his picture anymore

BuffyAngelFan04: I'll pick it up, and look at him smiling and holding me and just tear up. Then I get angry, as if he isnt supposed to be smiling, its not the right time. He shouldn't be smiling after what happened

BuffyAngelFan04: I cant even remember him the way he should be remembered

BuffyAngelFan04: I can't believe I will never get to be with him ever again. Not even for a second

OrlandoNewYC: You'll see him again jess.

BuffyAngelFan04::: I don't want to only see him again orli, I want to feel him again. I want to touch him again, to kiss him again

BuffyAngelFan04: I don't want to see him later in life, after I've moved on. After I've spent the rest of my life without him. After I can't love him anymore

BuffyAngelFan04: But I konw that is not going to happen

BuffyAngelFan04: Jeff could be with me now, if he were still alive.

BuffyAngelFan04: Not could, would
OrlandoNewYC: Jess, it can't be helped. You can't change what happened, so the best thing youc an do right now is to try and cope, and think bout the good times in your relationship

BuffyAngelFan04::: After high school, I broke up with jeff

OrlandoNewYC: y?

OrlandoNewYC::: i mean, for what reason

BuffyAngelFan04::: i felt like the long distance would be so hard on the both of us, and that he would be better off finding somewone new. I look back on that, and i regret it so much. I regret pushing him away like that. I felt that it would not be enough to preserve our friendship, if we ever broke up long distance.

BuffyAngelFan04: I was being so stupid, i cant even bear to think back on it. I can't believe I even thought that that was ok to do. Jeff was so angry with me

BuffyAngelFan04: Itís the worst, most stupid decision I have ever made in my entire life, an I am paying for it now

OrlandoNewYC: that is not the reason he joined

BuffyAngelFan04: he said to me that he wanted to make it work so much it hurt. I didnt ever wish to make him feel that way

OrlandoNewYC: please stop blaming yourself

BuffyAngelFan04::: I dont even know that

BuffyAngelFan04: but he didnít tell about the navy seals because I broke up with him! If I hadnít..he would have told me about joining the navy seals, and I would have done all that I could to convince him not to. I am going to pay for it for the rest of my life

OrlandoNewYC: but you guys got back together?

BuffyAngelFan04::: i dont even know if we did. but we were together

BuffyAngelFan04: I caused him so much pain, so much pressure, so much heartbreak, at the WORST TIME!! And what is worse, is I dont even have an excuse for it right now

BuffyAngelFan04: I gave him NO support whatsoever!

BuffyAngelFan04: God, that's so messed up!!

BuffyAngelFan04: I didnt even deserve anything he tried for, yet he died for it

OrlandoNewYC: dont say you dont deserve him jess. Nobody deserves him more

BuffyAngelFan04::: Around that time, I had a dream that I was working at macaroni grill and jeff and his family came to eat, and jeff is with some other girl. And they sit at one of my tables. When I went to take their order, we just exchanged a few glances, but it was like there was nothing there between us. Like the fire went out and left no trace. In the dream, I recognized him to be my ex, but it was like we had never gone out

OrlandoNewYC: its natural to have that type of dream, after what you just did, right?

OrlandoNewYC::: tell me about jeff

OrlandoNewYC::: i dont know very much about him