OrlandoNewYC: Jessie, howís it going?
Auto response from BuffyAngelFan04:::
When i reach to hold you...
I'll still be alone
When i hear the ringing...
of the telephone
I think it is you...
It will not be true
I could play the message
that you left for me
I can hear your voice and
i could still believe
That you will soon be home...
but you will never come
I know why the river runs to a place somewhere far away
I know why the sky is crying when there aren't any words to say
There's a silence that I don't want to hear
There's a hole now where my heart used to be
They say that healing comes in time
but I don't know what that means
I'll lie here for so long, but you will never come...
I Know Why The River Runs
Lee Ann Womack
BuffyAngelFan04 returned at 1:54:40 PM.
BuffyAngelFan04::: hey orli, whatís up?
OrlandoNewYC: nothing much
OrlandoNewYC::: what happened yesterday, you didnít
come on? Lol
BuffyAngelFan04::: sorry about that
OrlandoNewYC: Its ok, it wasnít definite;-)
OrlandoNewYC::: what were you up to?
BuffyAngelFan04::: I didnít get out of bed
OrlandoNewYC: at all? The whole day?
BuffyAngelFan04: I've never done that before
OrlandoNewYC: how come?
BuffyAngelFan04::: I spent it listening to a CD
BuffyAngelFan04::: Jim Brickman Ė the valentine cd
BuffyAngelFan04: Jeff bought it for me a long time
OrlandoNewYC: 24 hours you just lay in bed listening
to the same cd?
BuffyAngelFan04::: I didnt really have anything to do,
and I didnt feel like facing the day I guess
OrlandoNewYC: whats it sound like?
BuffyAngelFan04::: lots of piano, its a great cd
BuffyAngelFan04: I sent you the songs
BuffyAngelFan04::: i sent em
OrlandoNewYC: you can do that?
BuffyAngelFan04::: my server compresses sound files
OrlandoNewYC: where would the files be?
BuffyAngelFan04::: check my documents
OrlandoNewYC: holy shit! The whole album is there
OrlandoNewYC::: how the hell did you do that
BuffyAngelFan04::: this connection is like nothing i've
OrlandoNewYC: so cool!
BuffyAngelFan04::: so what are you up today?
OrlandoNewYC: I am going to see a movie with some friends
BuffyAngelFan04::: what movie?
OrlandoNewYC: Maybe farenheight 911
BuffyAngelFan04::: I want to see that movie
BuffyAngelFan04: Its only playing in select theaters here, and I
think olga, kevin and all them are going in a few days. might go
OrlandoNewYC: i heard it was so good
BuffyAngelFan04::: ive heard good things about it too
OrlandoNewYC::: Do they know, about Jeff, and your dad? Your
friends in Austria?
OrlandoNewYC::: Like cameron and sheri and them?
OrlandoNewYC: how come?
BuffyAngelFan04::: I guess I am just trying
not to think about a life that I have lost. Its hard to talk about it to people
I dont know.
OrlandoNewYC: start fresh?
BuffyAngelFan04::: i dont know
OrlandoNewYC: what are you afraid of?
BuffyAngelFan04::: I am afraid if I let him go, if I am well again,
it'd be like I stopped loving him
BuffyAngelFan04: i dont konw
BuffyAngelFan04: I dont know what I should do right now
OrlandoNewYC: jessie even if you are doing well, you never stop
loving the poeple that died. Never ever ever. And the best way to
remember them is by doing great things. You live their memory by
creating things they would be doing if they were still alive.
OrlandoNewYC::: that's a quote from teresa heinz kerry
BuffyAngelFan04::: i love teresa
BuffyAngelFan04: im trying my best
OrlandoNewYC::: I know you are. I cant imagine it ever being easy
BuffyAngelFan04::: how can I create the things he would be
doing? I dont know how he wanted it. I dont know anything
BuffyAngelFan04: its so hard. sometimes Ill be by myself
walking down the stairs, and my eyes will just water at the
thought of him. and then I cant hold it in, and i cry for hours
BuffyAngelFan04: I mean, one minute he was here kissing me,
the next he was out in iraq. Then he was back here holding me,
and then he was back in iraq. And now he is gone forever
BuffyAngelFan04: have you seen caro around?
OrlandoNewYC: yea, I talked to her a few days ago
BuffyAngelFan04::: how's she doing?
OrlandoNewYC: she's dealing. a bit worried about you, which is
BuffyAngelFan04::: Do you know if she is coming on?
BuffyAngelFan04: i kinda just wanted to talk to her
OrlandoNewYC:::: sorry im not sure when she will come on
BuffyAngelFan04: she's keeping something from me
OrlandoNewYC: what do you mean? Keeping what?
BuffyAngelFan04: Im not sure
BuffyAngelFan04: i feel like she is holding back, when I talk to her
BuffyAngelFan04: do you have her phone number by any chance?
OrlandoNewYC: no, im sorry I dont know it
BuffyAngelFan04: Ive kinda been in my own world recently, and sometimes I forget to ask.
OrlandoNewYC: I think she is doing ok, she has her friends and
family to be strong for her
OrlandoNewYC: Jess, tell me four (your number) things that you are feeling right now
BuffyAngelFan04: And I know that she is trying to be strong for me, and I wish I could say the same for myself
BuffyAngelFan04: I really wish I could be online as much as I used to
BuffyAngelFan04: anger, sadness, helpless, regret
OrlandoNewYC: Ok, why are you angry?
BuffyAngelFan04::: Because Bush is a liar. And because he
tricked us, the only person I have ever wanted to spend the rest
of my life with is gone forever
OrlandoNewYC: I know that this is the last thing you want to
hear, but you have to believe that what happened happened for
BuffyAngelFan04::: What reason? Did he not deserve to be
alive? Or was I not deserving enough of him?
BuffyAngelFan04: which one?
OrlandoNewYC: God No Jessie. Neither of those
OrlandoNewYC::: Don't ever think like that
OrlandoNewYC::: bush can't be the only person you are angry at,
BuffyAngelFan04::: Jeff had no right to go and do this to me.
No right. He didn't even ask me what I thought about it, like
my opinion didn't matter any
BuffyAngelFan04: Its like he thought I wasn't doing anything
to help the relationship.
BuffyAngelFan04: Like I was just standing by, watching us slip
apart, so he had to do something like this
OrlandoNewYC: He didn't think that jessie. he loved you, and he
would do anything to be with you
BuffyAngelFan04::: He is now longer living orli! Our love
wasn't worth him going and getting killed.
BuffyAngelFan04: Nothing is this life could ever be worth
what happened to him.
OrlandoNewYC: In Jeff's heart, I am sure that he thought it
BuffyAngelFan04::: so he weighed the ups and downs and felt it
was better to go out to war than to stay here and be with
OrlandoNewYC: you know that isnt true
BuffyAngelFan04::: What? That he didn't want to be with me?
OrlandoNewYC: I dont even need to reply to that Jessie, you
BuffyAngelFan04::: Who thinks war will get you
closer to you
gf? War kills people, that is what it does. Is this what he
BuffyAngelFan04::: was death better then being with me?
OrlandoNewYC: Jess, I konw you are angry, and I want you to
feel like you can tell me anything. But you are telling me things that
I know deep down in your heart you know are not true. I konw
that it feels like that on the outside, and that its what it looks like.
But look deeper Jessie. I know that you know jeff tried for you
BuffyAngelFan04::: It just doesnt feel like it orli. I feel like he
didnt think about me.
BuffyAngelFan04::: How could I not? He didnt even see fit to
tell me about it
OrlandoNewYC: I dont even know the whole story, but from
what I understand he had his reasons. and they were good
BuffyAngelFan04::: so good that I didnt deserve to know them?
That I didnt deserve any say in whether this was ok?
OrlandoNewYC: just because he didnt tell you - does that mean
he missed you any less when he was there?
BuffyAngelFan04::: When he came back and he kissed me, i
knew that he missed me
OrlandoNewYC: and I am sure he did
BuffyAngelFan04::: In a letter, he wrote "nothing in this life is
worth fighting so much for, except you. I will never stop
fighting. To me, you were the center for which I built my
dreams for the future. There is no future for me, if you are not
in it. Please believe we would have been so happy together."
BuffyAngelFan04: I feel like it was his justification for going.
That I dont matter. Like he thought that I could live without
him. But I cant see a future for me if he isn't in it either. It's
almost as if I wasn't important enough to consider
OrlandoNewYC: he did consider you jessie. The circumstance,
the reward would have been worth the risk for him
BuffyAngelFan04::: is it worth it now?
OrlandoNewYC: I cant answer that jess
OrlandoNewYC::: What he has given up for our country can not be
counted. And it will not be forgotten
BuffyAngelFan04::: What he has given up for his country is
not worth anything in the world. NOTHING
BuffyAngelFan04: What any soldier currently in iraq has to go
through is not worth it. We arent even there for the right
reasons, and we didnt even use the proper methods of fighting a
war. We were unprepared, and we pushed other countries away.
Other countries that were supposed to be helping Jeff out there!
He was out there alone because Bush and his administration
rushed into the war, for their own personal gain!
BuffyAngelFan04: I cant even start with Bush right now, it
makes me so mad that they would send Jeff to fight a perconal war for bush. For a person who doesnt even care about making sure
he is fighting for the right reasons. Or that he is given the
proper equipment to protect himself!
BuffyAngelFan04: he purposely IGNORED generals when they told him how many troops and what kind of equipment was needed. He lowered the safety of the troops, and that is unforgivable!
OrlandoNewYC: Bush is an asswipe. This was all about money
BuffyAngelFan04::: There isn't enough money in the world that
could ever make this worthwhile.
OrlandoNewYC: I konw that.
OrlandoNewYC: His memory is in your heart, in the heart of every american
BuffyAngelFan04::: Orli, I dont want to have only the memory
of a war hero in my heart for the rest of my life. Jeff was already
my hero, he was my savior, the one person I could trust completely with my heart. medals and recognition will not
replace him. Nothing in the world will ever be able to replace
OrlandoNewYC: His memory is still with you, and will guide you.
nobody is trying to replace him
BuffyAngelFan04::: I dont want jeff to be just a memory. He
should have been the person that I take my life's journey with, not a
memory to guide me on that journey
BuffyAngelFan04::: I can't replace the way he made me feel
OrlandoNewYC: believe me, I knwo you cant jess
BuffyAngelFan04: I needed him more than this country needed
him, more than iraq ever needed him. I needed him here with
me, to spend the rest of my life with. Why didn't he see that?
BuffyAngelFan04: I dont care if that is selfish. I dont care how
many insurgents he's held back, how many times he patrolled
unsafe boarders. He is 18, and it shouldn't be his job to try and protect people
who hate him. Who hate the US troops
OrlandoNewYC: i agree, he has seen too much too soon
BuffyAngelFan04::: he shouldnt have to worry about people
shooting him just because he has an american flag on his
uniform! They didnt even know jeff. They didnt know that he
was dreamer and he always reached as high as he could to help
anyone feel better. They didn't care that he was determined. They didnt care that he is the only one that
could ever get his little brother to do his homework or that he
was loved, and loved, so many people. They just shot him. They
shot him because he was trying to protect and help a family that
he didnt even know. Even when they didnt even appreciate him he still
OrlandoNewYC: is that what happened?
BuffyAngelFan04::: is this where his good
will and desire to
help people should lead him? Is that really what bush envisioned for a "better America"? Is that what I should
remember him for?
BuffyAngelFan04: He shuold have been worrying about
grades, not whether he will live to see the next day
OrlandoNewYC: to every extent you are right jess
BuffyAngelFan04::: After he tells me "we would have been so
happy together", I feel like he is rubbing it in.
OrlandoNewYC: he is just saying that because he wants you to
know that that is what he wanted. That he did think of you. So
how come you can't see it?
BuffyAngelFan04::: It's so bad, that I can't even let him go in
peace, I am that horrible
OrlandoNewYC: What did he say to you the last time he left?
BuffyAngelFan04::: back to iraq?
BuffyAngelFan04::: I asked him what happened during the war
and he just said "I lost myself. But it's ok now." I don't even want
to think about what that really means
BuffyAngelFan04: the last letter I got from him, he was so
unsure of himself. I could feel him in that letter. I could just
feel that he was afraid. I just sat there reading it and crying, I
mustr have cried all day. The way he wrote is his letters made
me sick to my stomach. And i konw he didnt mean to, he was
just being honest. And that is what I wanted from him
OrlandoNewYC: how did he sound?
BuffyAngelFan04::: he kept apologizing
OrlandoNewYC: about what?
BuffyAngelFan04::: like "Jessie, I really didn't mean to add another worry for your first year in college. And I certainly didn't mean to do this to you - to make you feel like this.
BuffyAngelFan04: but he did, and this is where it's all gotten us. I can't understand. I can't process any of this correctly
how was he physically when he came back? Like any major injuries?
BuffyAngelFan04: I would rather not talk about that, i hate to think back on that
OrlandoNewYC: I understand, I dont want to push
OrlandoNewYC: but he doesnt think he upset you?
BuffyAngelFan04::: "I hope you can forgive me some day.
Everything I could have given you, that we could have had
together..it's the only thing I could see."
BuffyAngelFan04: again..he didnt say any of this to
me before he joined. He
didnt even care that I would object. he just went on and did it
OrlandoNewYC: i see
OrlandoNewYC::: So you don't forgive him?
BuffyAngelFan04::: If Jeff were alive today, could he look me in
the eye and tell me that he is happier? That he has no regret in
his heart for what happened to him? HIm dying for his country,
and leaving all his friends and family?
OrlandoNewYC: I dont konw jess
OrlandoNewYC::: I would guess not
OrlandoNewYC::: you have to forgive him to lay his memory to
rest jess. He did it for a good reason
BuffyAngelFan04::: If he could show me that he is happy with
what happened, he is satisfied, then I would gladly step down and
forgive him. but he can't do that for me. And I can't let go
OrlandoNewYC: You will find it in you heart to forgive him, and
he will be in peace
BuffyAngelFan04::: we've joked about this before
OrlandoNewYC: joked about what?
BuffyAngelFan04::: he always said that " if something ever
happened to me, I would watch over you jess, even after I am
gone. I wont rush to heaven. I would pass it up, if I could stay
beside you forver"
OrlandoNewYC: even more reason jess
BuffyAngelFan04::: I know
BuffyAngelFan04: i am trying so hard to forgive him
i am trying so
hard. you have no idea
BuffyAngelFan04: but I cant even say those words out loud
BuffyAngelFan04: I need him to tell me that it was worth it
BuffyAngelFan04:I need him to tell me that he cared about me, that he wanted to be with me in the future. I need to hear that so badly
OrlandoNewYC: you will soon
OrlandoNewYC::: were all your letters like that?
BuffyAngelFan04::: in the beginning, they are positive letters, he
would tell me about the fun things he got to do like, in training,
he got to sky dive. they taught him firefighting, ship diving
BuffyAngelFan04: but that excitement somehow went away
BuffyAngelFan04: he wanted so much in his life, he wanted to
do so much
BuffyAngelFan04: It isnt fair
OrlandoNewYC: I know that he had great dreams
OrlandoNewYC::: and you cant honestly say that you werent in
BuffyAngelFan04::: Its not just that
BuffyAngelFan04: he promised me he would be back, he
looked me straight in the eye and said I WILL BE BACK.
Please wait for me
BuffyAngelFan04: so where is he?
BuffyAngelFan04: this isnt fair to me
OrlandoNewYC: Fairness does not govern life,or death. If it did,
no good person would ever die young
BuffyAngelFan04:::: Jeff wasnt being fair to me either!
BuffyAngelFan04: are you going to be on in a little?
BuffyAngelFan04 is away at 2:09:52 PM.
OrlandoNewYC::: jess, I am going to be back in a little ok? Just
going to go get some food
Auto response from BuffyAngelFan04::: Caro - i emailed you,
please check it
If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one thing
I would tell it to the stars and the sun
I would write it for the world to see
And it's you
The light changes when you're in the room
Oh it's you oh it's you
If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one wish
To kiss your quiet mouth
And trace the steps with my fingertips
And it's you
The light changes when you're in the room
Oh it's you oh it's you, oh it's you
by Michelle Branch
BuffyAngelFan04 returned at 2:50:49 PM.
OrlandoNewYC::: k sorry
BuffyAngelFan04::: its ok
OrlandoNewYC: Ok, so why are you sad? i know this is an
obvious question, but if you say it in words, it might help you
BuffyAngelFan04::: It was so painful to see the look on jeff's
face, when he told me he had to leave again. I desperately searched his face for some indication
that he was joking. But I didn't
find one. I didn't see his lip curl or his eyes glow. What I found
was a face of deep regret, sorrow, and then something that
scared me the most.
BuffyAngelFan04: It wasn't like the fear of missing the bus and being late. It was the fear that you won't make it. That you will lose everything that was ever important to you. I've never seen it like this on his face.
BuffyAngelFan04: he was trying to hide it,
but I could sense it in his voice, and the way he held me. I
know it sounds crazy, that I would be able to see something
like that. But that is what I saw on jeff's face when he left for the
last time, and that is what I will always remember his face to
look like at the last time I ever saw him. It was so painful to see that on his
face. When he closed the door, i cried for 4 hours
OrlandoNewYC: its not crazy, I believe you could have sensed it
BuffyAngelFan04::: ive never felt this hopeless. He's not coming
back from this and there is nothing I can do. I can't hope he will
be back, like I could have when he was in iraq.
OrlandoNewYC: it wasnt your job to do something about it
OrlandoNewYC::: Saying goodbye?
BuffyAngelFan04::: I thought the worst kind of goodbye was
having to say goodbye to someone when you know they are
going into danger, and you may not see them again. But its not.
Because you can still hope and pray that they will be back
BuffyAngelFan04: The worst kind of goodbye is having
goodbye to them for forever. They are gone and you know they
aren't coming back. When you have to say goodbye to
someone after they are gone from this world. Its like you have to say goodbye to
a memory, not a person. I have to let go
of something I need for the rest of my life, something that means so much to me. To know that
I will never be
able to have it again in my life is something I cant bring myself to do yet.
OrlandoNewYC: You dont lose his memory when you say
goodbye, jessie. Please dont think that
BuffyAngelFan04::: Everytime weíve had to say goodbye, jeff
took a piece of my heart with him wherever he was going. He
still has those pieces, and I can never get them back
BuffyAngelFan04: Nothing will ever make this ok
OrlandoNewYC: you might not see it now, and I wont try to
convince you, but soon it will be ok. I know it
BuffyAngelFan04::: I'm supposed to say goodbye to jeff, and to
accept the situation
OrlandoNewYC: have you said your final goodbyes to him?
BuffyAngelFan04::: I can't orli
BuffyAngelFan04: its like the whole world is waiting for me to
say goodbye. To come out from where I am hiding alone. To go back to DC and face
everything. And if I don't, he will never find peace. But I can't
BuffyAngelFan04: how do you want me to let go of him?
BuffyAngelFan04: how do you want me to say goodbye when I cant?
OrlandoNewYC: you dont have to let go of him. You just have to
put him somewhere safe
BuffyAngelFan04::: I cant even look at his picture anymore
BuffyAngelFan04: I'll pick it up, and look at him smiling and
holding me and just tear up. Then I get angry, as if he isnt
supposed to be smiling, its not the right time. He shouldn't be
smiling after what happened
BuffyAngelFan04: I cant even remember him the way he
should be remembered
BuffyAngelFan04: I can't believe I will never get to be with
him ever again. Not even for a second
OrlandoNewYC: You'll see him again jess.
BuffyAngelFan04::: I don't want to only see him again orli, I
want to feel him again. I want to touch him again, to kiss him
BuffyAngelFan04: I don't want to see him later in life, after I've moved on. After I've spent the rest of my life without him. After I can't love him anymore
But I konw that is not going to
BuffyAngelFan04: Jeff could be with me now, if he were still
BuffyAngelFan04: Not could, would
OrlandoNewYC: Jess, it can't be helped. You can't change what happened, so the best thing youc an do right now is to try and cope, and think bout the good times in your relationship
BuffyAngelFan04::: After high school, I broke up with jeff
OrlandoNewYC::: i mean, for
BuffyAngelFan04::: i felt like the long distance would be so hard
on the both of us, and that he would be better off finding
somewone new. I look back on that, and i regret it so much. I
regret pushing him away like that. I felt that it would not be
enough to preserve our friendship, if we ever broke up long
BuffyAngelFan04: I was being so stupid, i cant even bear to
think back on it. I can't believe I even thought that that was ok
to do. Jeff was so angry with me
BuffyAngelFan04: Itís the worst, most stupid decision I have
ever made in my entire life, an I am paying for it now
OrlandoNewYC: that is not the reason he joined
BuffyAngelFan04: he said to me that he wanted to make it work so much it hurt. I didnt ever wish to make him feel that way
please stop blaming yourself
BuffyAngelFan04::: I dont even know that
BuffyAngelFan04: but he didnít tell about the navy seals
because I broke up with him! If I hadnít..he would have told me
about joining the navy seals, and I would have done all that I
could to convince him not to. I am going to pay for it for the
rest of my life
OrlandoNewYC: but you guys got back together?
BuffyAngelFan04::: i dont even
know if we did.
but we were together
BuffyAngelFan04: I caused him so much pain, so much
pressure, so much heartbreak, at the WORST TIME!! And
what is worse, is I dont even have an excuse for it right now
BuffyAngelFan04: I gave him NO support whatsoever!
BuffyAngelFan04: God, that's so messed up!!
BuffyAngelFan04: I didnt even deserve anything he tried for,
yet he died for it
OrlandoNewYC: dont say you dont deserve him jess. Nobody
deserves him more
BuffyAngelFan04::: Around that time, I had a dream that I was
working at macaroni grill and jeff and his family came to eat,
and jeff is with some other girl. And they sit at one of my
tables. When I went to take their order, we just exchanged a
few glances, but it was like there was nothing there between us.
Like the fire went out and left no trace. In the dream, I
recognized him to be my ex, but it was like we had never gone
OrlandoNewYC: its natural to have that type of dream, after what
you just did, right?
OrlandoNewYC::: tell me about jeff
OrlandoNewYC::: i dont know very much about him